I just watched Juno. I kind of wish I was in highschool and pregnant
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
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