Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
Randomize
