I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
susan atkins died, charles manson's lady
dont cry, there are other serial killers to crush on.
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
he was once again the drunkest girl at the party
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
Randomize
