I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
I will pee on everything he values.
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
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