Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
Randomize
