You're so nebulous sometimes
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
Randomize
