woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
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