porn star on stage now. Get unkicked out.
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
Nothing but goodness could come from two friends getting naked. Think of all the good advice and other things we could give to each other.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
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