So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
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