Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
I'm going to fuck him so hard that his dick is going to fracture
Glad to see your being a lady about this
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
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