note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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