I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
Randomize
