Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
Randomize
