she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Randomize
