i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
Randomize
