someone owes me an orgasm
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
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