got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
Randomize
