I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
Randomize
