Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
I have now added draft and wells specials that different bars have to my blackberry calendar.. Help me.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
Truth. Though I have held steadfast to the notion while the rest of you wavered. I had faith in his homosexuality.
Randomize
