they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Randomize
