Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
whose parrot is this?
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
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