weak ass sauce last night. waste of time. you suck. ps. your boobs are fake
How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
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