It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
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