Pants 0. Shit 1.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Randomize
