Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
Randomize
