Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
Randomize
