I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
ah, there's nothing like waking up to picture messages of a strange man's cock. life is good.
haha, that's fucked up. flacid cock pictures are the mental breakfast of champions.
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
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