there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
Randomize
