Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
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