dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
oh my she just said cum sticks to her dentures so when she blows if they let her she takes them out
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
