and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
Randomize
