Tell her she can't have a vagina
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
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