i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
