and my herpes radar will keep us safe
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
I got inside last night via doggy door
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
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