I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
Randomize
