Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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