she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
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