I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
haha she has always seemed a little off. when i met her i was told she was the queen slut. and she had a crown on at the time. it seemed appropriate.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
Randomize
