a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
I could make wine with my vomit
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
Randomize
