The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
Just started taking liver support pills. Welcome to Senior year.
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
He literally asked permission to hit on me
Randomize
