Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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