please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
Randomize
