I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
she just pulled a hulk hogan to make her point. no idea how it helped
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.
Randomize
