life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
Randomize
