I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
Randomize
