he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
Randomize
