I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
Randomize
