i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
Randomize
