Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
Randomize
