omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
Randomize
